Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Until He Remembers...

Dear You: I thought of you all day today. Every heavy minute in this never-ending day.

I woke up in a different bed this morning... a bed in a cloudy city. It took all of two minutes for me to remember what today was. I rolled over and cried. Although I wanted to stay there all day, I didn't. I got up and showered and drank coffee and filled my car with personal belongings that I hadn't seen in... months... and drove to my happy place. It was all I could think to do.

It helped, some. I hurried past displays - clothes and towels and bedding and things becoming a blur of colors and light as I rushed through, not really seeing anything....

...except maybe the Christmas ornaments. You know how fond I am of Christmas. I did like those.


I read the story of Hannah this week. Fitting, I thought, since this has been a year of torment regarding a child... the impudent gift of one and the stifling absence of another. I read Hannah's story and came upon verse 19: "... and the Lord remembered her" and stopped. Remembered her?, I yelled. You REMEMBERED her?!?!

But surely He never forgot. Surely we don't place all our eggs into the basket of a God who forgets. Unthinkable.


I'm back home now. I'll be alright. (Not that you've worried. Not that you've given half a crap.) But I think of you. I think of you every day and pray for you every night. I ask the God who doesn't forget... or, at the least, doesn't fail to remember... to keep you close and watch over you all. And when, as they inevitably do, my prayers turn inward, I ask God to redeem a hopeless heart that's twice been left behind. A girl who knows now to rely on nothing save the encompassing love of the One who loves her and gave Himself for her.


Forgive me. I know sometimes my emotion is too raw, too irreverent, too outside-the-box and too... real... for comfort. I wish it were different. Most days I wish I was different. But here I am and here I'll be... not in the cloudy city, but home. Where I belong. I'll be here and you'll be there and it's the way things will be until... until...

...until He remembers.