Monday, September 24, 2007

I'm devastated.

Please forgive me for not having any words for you today. I try to find them but have -thus far- ended up in a heap here alongside my desk... a pile of shakes and sobs. I feel like a wrung-out sponge. Ain't nothing to see here today. Sorry.

After the Cowboy game I tried to sleep. I really did. You'd think 10 straight hours of crying would drain enough out of a girl to induce a few fitful hours of sleep. Nope. You'd think two hot toddies would, too. Nope. This big old house is just too quiet. Doesn't feel right. Is this what alone feels like? I don't like it.

So to drown out the silence... to cover up the stillness... I sit at the piano and play. Two o'clock comes. Then three. Then four. And finally, when my fingers can't keep up with the music in my head, I drape myself over the keys and hang on as the bench rocks with my sobs.

We're never prepared for loss, are we?

I'm trying to compartmentalize. I'm trying to view this as a stand-alone loss that has nothing to do with the heartbreaks this year has seen. I'm trying to separate the sadnesses as you would strands of yarn, but they keep twisting back together. Singled out, they are easier to deal with. Together, they bind a seemingly strong strand of sadness.

And I wonder... since they're already fused together in my brain... if the parts equal a whole. If the separate incidents make an event. I wonder what's coming down the pike as pieces of the life I've tried to build crumble and fall away. As I sit at the piano and hear my fingers come back, time and time again, to Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, I hear the composer's own words echo through my head:

O God, give me strength to overcome myself,
nothing must hold me to this life.

I suppose that's my prayer today as well. As I hear a noise, just now, and glance up from the keyboard expecting to see Mae come pawing in, I suppose it's my prayer, too.

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name....
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.
-Edward Mote, 1834

26 comments:

Teri said...

You have my deepest sympathy and I'll keep you in my prayers. The death of a pet is hard.
Last Thursday our family Lab had to be put down. He was so old and having seizures that left him mentally unstable. We just couldn't risk him hurting one of the children. As I was walking out the door with him our 5 year old told him to be a good doggie for Jesus and that Grandpa would take him for walks now because Jesus had "fixed Grandpa's cancer" in heaven and Jesus would fix him too.

Kathleen Grace said...

Brin, I have been through loss and hardship and I can tell you, knowing your faith, that God has something for you. He has everything in his gentle hands, including you and your pain. Sometimes change seems like the end of everything, but I have never had a loss or change that I couldn't look back on as the path to something better that God had for me. Mourn, God doesn't expect you not to, tears serve a purpose, but know that God has a plan for you and He holds you in his hands. You are in my prayers.

betty r said...

Oh Brin, wish I could be there to give you a hug...just know that I care and am praying for you.

Brigitta said...

I'm sooo sorry Brin, and I'm pretty sure you're not just mourning your sweet kitty, but also the other losses you mentioned. Keep faith sweetie, big hugs from Holland

Jen said...

I'm beyond heartbroken for you. It is just such an awful thing to deal with, to try to recover from. I wish you strength during this time and hope that all of the wonderful memories that you have will some day bring you comfort. I'm so sorry Brin.

Lisa in Texas = ) said...

Brin~
I found your blog about a month ago. I have totally enjoyed reading about your house and your life. You have such a gift in how you write.
I am SO sorry to hear about your loss. It sounds like you have had a hard year. But I also hear so much strengh in you. Hold onto God during this time. He will carry you through when you can not make it alone. You will be in my prayers!!
God bless and keep you,

Lisa in Texas = )

Jae said...

I hurt with you.

Debe said...

I just checked in on your blog and found out about Mae. I am so very sorry. I know your heart hurts badly. Our animals are such support any time of the day. Time. It won't make it go away but it will heal. Your faith will carry you along until then. As a mom to two dogs and three cats, I understand your pain. Hugs.

Once Upon A Notion said...

Brin, I can feel your heartache through your words. Please take care of yourself. We are all out here praying for you. God is holding you in His hands and comforting you with His love.

Terri and Bob said...

God be with you now and always.

Alice said...

Don't know if you're familiar with the Rainbow Bridge. It is kind of hokey but somehow it helped me when my good old dog died a few months ago. My sympathies are with you now.

Becka said...

I wish there was a way to take away the pain. But there is purpose in it. Hold onto God's promise that there is purpose in pain.

UTgirlinVA said...

I too just found your blog awhile ago and have really enjoyed reading it. My sympathies for your loss. Here are the words to my favorite hymn and anthem for my life:

I need thee every hour, most gracious Lord;
no tender voice like thine can peace afford.
Refrain:
I need thee, O I need thee;
every hour I need thee;
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to thee.

2. I need thee every hour; stay thou nearby;
temptations lose their power when thou art nigh.
(Refrain)

3. I need thee every hour, in joy or pain;
come quickly and abide, or life is vain.
(Refrain)

4. I need thee every hour; teach me thy will;
and thy rich promises in me fulfill.
(Refrain)

5. I need thee every hour, most Holy One;
O make me thine indeed, thou blessed Son.
(Refrain)

Brenda@CoffeeTeaBooks said...

For a couple weeks after my "best friend with fur" died, all I could think of was Eternity.

I longed to be there with her. I know there are many who wouldn't understand the severity of pain at the loss of a cat but she was more than a c.a.t., I felt she was God's gift to me in a world full of trials.

It's interesting to me that I found your blog the same way your friend passed away. I will remember you and keep you in my prayers.

Never let anyone take away the reality of the grief you feel because the loss was a beloved pet and not a human. It is still very real.

Sue said...

Brin remember her well, she will always be with you and the words will return when your ready! More hugs coming your way!!

Rox said...

Just like she was gone...
Just like that she was whole again...
It is soo hard. You were so blessed to have her for 6 years. I had to let my boy Rafferty go 3 years ago, after loving him for 18 years.. I think of him every single day. I will pray for your pain to ease..

Rhoda @ Southern Hospitality said...

Oh, Brin, I'm so, so sorry you lost your kitty-cat so suddenly. I have been through this myself with my precious sweet dog, Tara, 2 years ago in October. Nothing prepares you for saying goodbye to these sweet fur companions. I promise it will start to get easier in a few days & you'll look back with fondess & lots of good memories. I cried & cried for the first week everytime I thought about her. It got easier every day. I had my baby for almost 15 yrs. & she was truly like the child I never had.

Change is so hard & this one really hit you hard. The Lord will see you through this one too, I promise you. So go ahead & cry, he will hear you & comfort you during it all. And, after you finish crying, maybe it's time for another furbaby to heal the pain.

Big hugs from me to you,
Rhoda

Adrienne said...

Brin -

I wish I could put my arms around you and just let your tears fall on my shoulder! You are in my prayers. God is so faithful, especially when our hearts are broken.

He's the Healer of broken hearts - He'll mend your shattered dreams.
He'll pick up the threads of your broken heart
And mend them together again.
To your heart He'll bring peace and joy,
Your Friend indeed He'll be.
He's the Healer of broken hearts -
This Jesus of Galilee.

~Adrienne~

P.S. - The piano is always my place of solace. Go there often and don't rush away.

Kimberly said...

Oh my goodness, Brin! I am so sorry to hear about Mae... I wish I could make you smile... But I know you probably dont even feel like it. I love you bunches!

Kim

bellacolle said...

Again... rest in HIM!

Sher's Creative Expressions said...

Brin, I'm so sorry for your loss. I had to put down the family's very sick kitty too. Me. Myself. All by myself!! It was the worst time of my life. I cried for two weeks straight and saw her at every corner I turned in this house. The worst part was taking her to the vet and coming home without her. I stayed with her in the room while the injection was given and sobbed the whole time. Then the kids came home from school and the crying started all over again. We all knew she needed to be put down because she was so sick and not getting better, but it was the worst experience of my life. Give yourself time. It takes time and that's OK.

Blessings!h

Kris H. said...

Oh Brin,
I am so sorry for the loss of your dear, sweet pet friend... having lost too many myself, I understand all too well the grief...
{{HUGS}} to you...

Utah Grammie said...

I am so sorry. There are no words to help with this. I know. I've been there too. My heart hurts for you. Let yourself grieve. Let the tears flow. Let her know you love her. Time will soften, but never erase her memory. Then, one day, your heart will be opened to another. And they will be whispered to by your beloved and they will take care of you. Please accept my deepest sympathy.

April C said...

Oh Brin...hugs from me to you. :(

Patsy said...

Sorry to hear that you have lost Mae. One day at a time then you will be able to think of her and not cry, you will remember her with great fondness and laugh at her memories.

Carol said...

May your rainbow of precious memories brighten with every tear. My thoughts and prayers are with you on the loss of your special furbaby,Maebelline.
Mothercarol