Long Mountains and A Wood

It's dark today. Foggy. Woodsy. Misty. Mossy. A good day for pulling on tall socks, making soup thick with mushrooms and cream, and reading Edna St. Vincent Millay.

All I could see from where I stood/Was three long mountains and a wood....

Note to Self

I can't find my camera. I can't find my camera. I can't find my camera. I can't find my camera!

You know those people who have four dishes, four spoons, four shirts and four skirts? Those who know where the stuff they aren't using or wearing is at all times?

Me neither.

I'm in two storage buildings, a "rental" house and an RV at the moment. No wonder I can't find anything.

Must consolidate. Must downsize. This weekend.

Must find my camera. Must find my camera.

End Chapter.

God cannot give us happiness and peace

apart from Himself because it is not there.

There is no such thing.

-C.S. Lewis

That was my mistake, you know. Thinking God was a hobby and not the whole.

We could talk for hours. I could blow your mind with the stories, sadness, and salvation that has been my life. I stop and look over my shoulder at the past four years and can hardly believe where I've been. I can't believe, quite honestly, that I made it through. It's only by the hand of a God Who never gives up. Who never lets go. Who never turns away. Who knows just how much you can take.

And mercifully, as you glimpse the lights of How Much You Can Takeville from where you are, He steps in. He turns your mourning into dancing.

I've lost considerably these past four years. And I'm not a "bounce back" kind of person. It takes me forever just to process things. Then I have to start dealing. I listed it all the other day... my losses... and sat and stared at the page. I stared and stared and felt my eyes burn hot. And somewhere down deep, I felt a small cry, flickering like a flame. I felt it snap and burn until it exploded, rushing its way out of my heart, up through my throat and out of my trembling mouth. It was the most gut-wrenching, mournful scream I've ever heard. I screamed and screamed... and when the scream finally turned to shouted, hardly coherent words, all that tumbled out was: We survived this. You saw me through.

It took me an hour to stop shaking.

I know sin. I know disobedience. I know rebellion. I know discipline. I also know redemption.

And now, because of His grace... I know a new day.

How about turning this page with me to the next chapter?

Land of Trees and Pies

I think about my little place all the time.

Today I thought about trees. About all the trees I wanted to pass on my morning walks with Millie. I thought about all the fruit I wanted to see glistening in canning jars. I thought about all the nuts I wanted roasting over a hearth fire.

So I went to the Arbor Day Foundation Tree Store and ordered arbor beauties to plant later this fall. If you saw the picture of my new place (before I got paranoid and zapped it), you know that hazelnut, cherry and plum trees (above) will go nicely. At least until they can be joined by peach, apple and pecan.

My land... a land of pies, waiting to happen. -Brin

My Little Secret

I've been sitting on a little secret that I dared not spill until this week: I've bought land. With a brook and a rocky dirt road.

Next comes the DIY cabin. The fun we're in for! Think we're up for this?

Happy happy happy happy happy.

Wanting....

...to get engrossed this weekend in a slow, melancholy book set on the sea. On a chilly coast. A Weight of Water or Memory of Water type novel, only better. Any suggestions?

Expect hope to be rekindled.

Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways.

The dry seasons in life do not last.

-Sarah Ban Breathnach

Pay Day

Today's pay day. What are the odds I can grab my check, hit the door, rush "home", bake cookies and watch movies all rainy afternoon?

Yeah. Didn't think so.

Oh my gosh. Did you see these today? Quick, step aside as I fake illness and limp to the door.  *cough*

September

By all these lovely tokens September days are here,

With summer's best of weather

And autumn's best of cheer.

-Helen Hunt Jackson

I'm knitting this week. And making spiced honey. I might even try to take off one day to gather firewood and pick apples.

Ah, autumn. Welcome! Long have I awaited your return...

Best Wishes (and Cake) Ever

My brother is getting married this weekend. They're having pie at the reception instead of cake. My family has this love affair with chocolate pie that knows no bounds, so it's only reasonable that we'll pie with our nuptials. (grin)

Just in case anyone misses cake after the happy couple jets, I think I'll sneak in this: the Best Cake Ever. EVER. I mean... ever. I've been making it off and on for the past couple of years and nothing beats it.

Best, incandescently happy, chocolate-pie-and-cake wishes to the lovely couple. -B

Little Thought #3: Unrelenting

A thing to know about God is that He's unrelenting. His love doesn't let up. His mercy doesn't give out. His pursuit never ends.

I was walking through the airport a few days ago and passed a girl sipping a Bud Light, deeply absorbed in The Shack. I kept walking. I wasn't a fan of that book, God. What do You think of us down here trying to know You... picture You... describe You and define You? What do You think of our searching?

It thrills My heart. I felt those words pulse through me, along with an overwhelming feeling of love. As if my blood had turned to liquid love and gushed up and down my veins. Now go back and tell the girl with the book. Tell her I love her.

I argued for a minute, then wheeled my suitcase back down the terminal toward the girl. She was still reading.

How do you approach a stranger in the airport and tell her of God's love? The way the conversation unfolded was surreal. I knew, before opening my mouth to talk to her, that she was 23. A student in the medical field. The youngest of her family. I knew - without any way of knowing - that something awful had happened in her short life. Tell her she's not to blame. Tell her it wasn't her fault. Tell she's loved with an everlasting love.

I looked at this girl and wondered what it was like to be reading in an airport, unknowingly pursued by a loving, purposeful, unrelenting God.

Irena is 23. The baby of her family. She's in dental school. And almost three years ago, she was sexually assaulted. Luke is still in diapers.

We talked quietly. She cried. I had to assure her twice that I'm not psychic; that God knows her... knows everything she is and everything she's been through. He'll use anyone around to make sure we know.

Does God love everyone? she asked, quietly. I mean, everyone?

I nodded. Yes, everyone. He loves me. He loves you. He loves that lady over there selling newspapers. A well-dressed man rushed by, berating someone at the other end of his cell phone. Irena raised her eyebrows and tilted her head toward him. Yes, especially him.

You're the second person to talk to me about God, she confided. A co-worker talks about Jesus. She told me to read this book.

Hmm. What's it like, I asked her, to be sitting in an airport, knowingly pursued by a loving, purposeful unrelenting God?

What's it like, she countered, to know Him the way you do?

You won't relent until You have it all. My heart is Yours. -Brin

Little Thought #2: Hanging in for Harvest

And let us not grow weary of doing good,

for in due season we will reap,

if we do not give up.

-Galatians 6:9

Don't give up. Keep going. Don't give up.

Especially when it's hard. Especially during dry spells. Especially in times of mourning. Especially during times of testing... times of learning... times of questioning.

Find your faith. Put it in your pocket. Remind yourself you have it. Remind yourself it's real. Pull it out when you need to; examine it. Patch it up when it's battered. Ask for more when it's not enough. Then take it and keep going.

What we're doing today matters. Because in due season - tomorrow, next year, eternity- there will be a harvest. Good or bad, there will be a harvest. There will be bounty. Where there were hard times, there will be triumph. Where there was lack, there will be plenty. Where there was sorrow, there will be joy. Where there was weariness, there will be rest.

The harvest is coming. Can't you feel Him stirring even now? Don't you see Him getting His sickle ready?

Don't give up. I'll hang in here with you until then. -Brin

(Update: There's more from me on this - click Comments below to read. :)

Little Thought #1: Learning Hebrew

I am learning Hebrew. Did I mention it? I think so, but it's been awhile.

In order to speak Hebrew like a native, I'm learning that you have to be okay with spit. And choking. I'll admit - my practice sessions sound more like an MP3 of an angry, choking mule than an American girl trying to learn a new tongue. I'm okay with that. For now. But by Christmas, I want to sound like Moses.

(The one in the Bible. Not Gwyneth Paltrow's son.)

Special toda to Rosetta Stone and my new pal Michael, the most awkward and endearing Hebrew teacher ever. You're right, Michael. If God wrote more than half the Bible in this language, it must be special to Him.

Shalom, dear ones.

Freeman House, Winter 2008

Today I'm dreaming of snowfalls. Of scarves and blankets and roaring fires and bubbling stews. And when I saw this beautiful craft idea, I started crying.

I think it reminded me of Freeman House.

I think it spoke to the comfort I'm yearning for today.

I think I'm going to stock up on candles and jars and make a few of these this week. ...

I watched the sun set from above the clouds this week. Have you ever watched from 32,000 feet as the sun sank to other kingdoms? It stays with you, always.

There's so much on my mind and heart to share with you. So much I've seen the past few months. I try to put words to it all but end up sitting, overwhelmed, in front of the computer. Tomorrow, I tell myself, logging off the internet. Or maybe this weekend.

Or maybe the next.

Happy weekend.  -Brin

Dreaming About Heaven...

When all this is done - the striving, the longing, the hoping, the waiting- I'd like a corner in heaven that looks like this.

Or maybe that. I'll wake each morning to the sound of fluttering angel wings, my Grandfather's laugh, and snatches of melodies from the Throne.

I'll make my bed and walk across the moss, past loved ones and new friends, until I find Jesus... my Savior and my One. Will you take a walk with me? I'll ask, blushing.

And He'll wink. And wrapping His nail-scarred hand around mine, together we'll set off....

(Funny how we don't spend much time thinking about eternity, isn't it, considering it's infinite while our lives here are but a vapor? Photo credit/dream photography by the talented Ditte Isager.)

Photo: Preemptive Love Coalition

(Sob. Laugh. Grin. Wipe eyes. Laugh again. Sob.) Leah is home. Read it and weep.

Again, thank you. -Brin

We live, in fact, in a world starved for

solitude, silence, and privacy;

and therefore starved for meditiation

and true friendship.

-C.S. Lewis

Solitude, silence and privacy - today those words sink into my depths like sparkling rain drops into a puddle. How refreshing that would be today- solitude, silence and privacy. I must be burned out.

God, in this dry and weary land, my heart seeks after You. On days I feel numb... on days I'm listless and I'm tired... remind me You're here. Tell me again You never leave. Give me moments, God, to be in that still, simple, quiet place with You. Touch all of these longings that crave meditation... that yearn for true friendship. Reach for us, God, and meet us where we are today. ...

Leah's Out!

Check on her here.

Another No (Way I'll) Bake Dessert

Stop what you're doing and make this. If you have to leave work, all the better. The sooner you get this in the fridge, the better your day will be. This is that good.

The recipe, tagged "Family Favorite" in August's Martha Stewart Living, is one I can see myself making when I'm 70. It's a keeper. Heat cream, melt chocolate, layer it all in plastic wrap, and forget it in the fridge. When three o'clock hits... when the doorbell rings... when supper plates are cleared, pull it out. Then prepare to cry. This is that good.

I changed up the recipe a little. Instead of using all milk chocolate, I used 11 ounces of milk chocolate chips and 3 ounces of semi-sweet. Not being big on banana, I thinly sliced a small one lengthwise and was skimpy with layering it in. Substituting cinnamon graham crackers for plain seemed a no-brainer. And Cool Whip and chocolate shavings had to top it off. The result? Tears. This is that good.

Yup. No way I'll bake anytime soon...

No (Way I'll) Bake Desserts

I don't do much baking in July. I mean, have you ever been to Texas in high summer? It's a huge oven. With grass.

No bake desserts are the only way to go. The colder the better. The jucier the better. The lighter the better. The less time you have to spend away from the air-conditioning vent, the better.

Hello, Watermelon Cake! Have you picked up the August Martha Stewart Living? Buy or borrow it. I'm keeping my copy forever, it's that good. For this "cake", all you need is a seedless watermelon. And a knife. And a spoon (or a melon baller). Hack out a slab of watermelon, cut it into slices like cake, and top with scooped out balls of more watermelon. Refrigerate until ice cold.

I'm taking this to everything that requires food for the rest of the summer.

I also made the no-bake chocolate pudding/banana/graham cracker thingy. Only I slathered peanut butter between the layers, too. (I'm incorrigible.) It hits the table today. Will definitely report back on that.

Ah, summer. We'll conquer you yet.

Leah Goes to Surgery

Remember this sweetie? She's in Istanbul now, gearing up for heart surgery. Together, we at this humble little blog scraped up $1,200 towards making sure Leah got her potentially life-saving surgery. That's amazing when you think of it. You are amazing when I think of it.

(I say "potentially" because not all the children Preemptive Love Coalition has seen into surgery have made it out. Just saying that makes me gulp and take a deep breath.)

God, we pull on the strings of Your heart. We know You. You're full of compassion, justice, and love. Be with Leah and her family now...

The apples are nearly ready. Coincidentally, I'm hungry for cold, cold cinnamon applesauce this afternoon.

If I could be anywhere right now, I'd be in an apple orchard with my head down, working on this beautiful blanket. I definitely would not be stuck at this tediously boring job with no applesauce or yarn.

Here's to us working girls today. May there be many apple orchards and handmade blankets in our happy futures. -Brin

Naughty Jelly

I made pepper jelly. I made pepper jelly because I love pepper jelly. There's something funny to me about the whole concept of making jelly out of peppers: it comes out acting like green jell-o gone naughty.

One of my favorite meals is this: red potatoes, cornbread and peas. Zipper Cream Peas. I top my peas with a dollop of pepper jelly and am in heaven.

I realize friends to the north feed these peas to their cattle. Cowpeas, they call them. Please don't remind me of this. Down here, these peas sell for $28 a bushel. I would know. I just gave someone $28 for a bushel of them.

For the pea haters among us, pepper jelly also goes great with cream cheese and crackers. But it's very Texas. It should be eaten on a porch while wearing scuffed leather boots.  Just sayin'.

Recipe forthcoming. I still have some naughty jelly tweaking to do, I'm afraid....

I love that verse in Genesis where Jacob is listing off precious things for his sons to take to Joseph in Egypt:

Put some of the best products of the land in your bags, he says, and take them down to the man as a gift —a little balm and a little honey...

A little balm and a little honey. That phrase has always sung to me. Balm and honey... something soothing and something sweet.

This is just a little annoucement that I'll be opening a brand new shop on August first filled with things soothing and sweet. My own website, my own shop. Look for an array of things to add solace to your world, including: organic herb blends. Spiced honeys and jams. Recipes and mixes. Bird seed. Handmade aprons of vintage trim and lace. Handknit cloths. Pretties to catch your eye and strike your fancy. I'm so, so excited about this little corner of my world.

I can't wait to invite you on over.

-Brin

No Wasted Hours

I would I could stand on a busy corner, hat in hand,

and beg people to throw me all their wasted hours.

-Bernard Berenson

 

Trade you a bloom for an hour.

No wasted time or time to waste around here, if you follow me. I'll be back as soon as I can come up for air. -Brin

 Ah, summer,

what power you have to make us suffer and like it.

-Russell Baker

   

Happy Memorial Day. And happy summer.

From one suffering, satisfied country girl to another.  -Brin

And The Winner Is...

...Michelle Turner who donated on April 27.

Congratulations, Michelle!

Goodies for Giving!

I can't put words to how touched I am by your generosity. For Leah. Sweet, precious little Leah who's waiting patiently for a healthy heart. Leah's surgery is on the books for July, and I am deeply touched by those who've given and those who've written with words of hope and prayers for a miracle.

I'll admit to a few tears as I read your emails. Especially when I got to a note from a gal who lost her job six months ago. Times are tough and some days I don't see a way through this, she wrote. But God is good and I have so much to be thankful for. Moments later her donation came through: $20. Letting go of money these days is hard, but letting go of $20 when you're unemployed can be heart wrenching. That kind of selfless giving gets me every time.

Thinking of this heart... this little life a world away... and the stories and the lives and the sacrifices that will merge once this child is out of surgery... leaves me in awe.

Okay. All that said, here's the fun news: we're having a goodies giveaway! I'm crossing my fingers and hoping to raise $1,000 by Monday's close, so to that end, here's the thing: everyone who gives - however they are able - to Leah's New Heart - will be entered into a drawing to win:

1. A year's subscription to Ready Made Magazine
2. Days from the Heart of the Home by Susan Branch
3. A dazzling assortment of notebooks, stickies, and doodle pads

If you've already given to help Leah, your name is already in the drawing. Thank you! If you haven't given, click the ChipIn! button below and you'll automatically be entered to win once your donation arrives. Simple!

Winners will be announced on Tuesday, May 25th. Good luck! And thank you so much for helping Leah. I love you more than jelly beans.  -Brin

Monograph on May, Photograph of Millie

Millie Out Walking
by Jim

May has been so full and the week days so brutal. I'm staying in a hotel in a strange place, six days a week, pouring over legal documents, Excel spreadsheets and paperwork. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. I do that until it's time to do reports. Or attend meetings. Why are there so many meetings? Oil and gas brokers love meetings. I yawn and tap my pen on my paperwork and mentally bow out, leaving the suits behind as I dream of knitting and pies and sagging clotheslines and picket fences. I don't enjoy this business but am unspeakably grateful for the job. Means to an end, Brin. It's a means to an end.

But the weekends? Saturdays are every bit as sweet as Mondays are brutal. Saturday I started reading The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie and was too delighted for words.

I picked wild blackberries and searched dusty cookbooks for jam recipes, a blackberry tart in mind.

I lay on my back and stared at stars, outlining their heavenly shapes with my finger.

I followed Millie through wildflowers and clover meadows, walking everywhere and nowhere.

And I slept. I put a lace-trimmed case on my pillow and slept the sleep of a child: dreamless, heavy, and deep.

Here's to a mundane month, missing you, and another weekend coming 'round the bend.  -Brin

Learning to Sail...

We must free ourselves of the hope

that the sea will ever rest.

We must learn to sail in high winds.

-Aristotle Onassis

The winds are... high... right now as I take every opportunity to lift the sails and catch the winds of destiny wherever they drive the boat. (My favorite poem.)

See you in a bit. -Brin

Seeds, Matters of the Heart, and Vegetarianism

I've been dreaming these past few days about my old garden. I miss that glorious patch. To me, gardening loosens the body and weeds out the mind; an hour in the garden chases away stress like the sun chases away shadows. I think, on some level, we were intended to spend time close to nature. You know, to everything there is a season.

I Am Learning...

... that home is where your bed is.

... that it's wiser to be silent.

... that your bank statement is a print-out of your heart.

... that polite never expires.

... that jeans can't get too comfortable.

... that a dog is a friend forever.

... that no dream goes to waste.

... that steel wool cures any cast iron (!).

... that we can always use a hug.

... that paths to a friend's house can be too far.

... that fireflies are magical.

... that nothing lasts forever.

... and that I can't expect God to use me

in a way different from the way He created me.

What are you learning?

Salty Tears and Caramel Hearts

I woke up this morning and tripped over Millie on my beeline to the computer. As it started up, I jostled Millie's ears. Whatdoya think, girl? Has anyone given for Leah? She wagged her tail.

Of course you have. Fat, salty tears are dripping down my cheeks as I type. The folks who hang out at this blog are the best in the world. I'm honored to share my life with you. Thanks for encouraging. Thanks for giving. Thanks for being who you've turned out to be. Thanks, thanks, thanks. We're off to an amazing start.

Jessica from Preemptive Love Coalition sent me several emails overnight. One included this link to a video she voiced about Leah. It's short and will melt your heart into warm, caramel-like goo, so please do take a second to watch it: click here to watch Leah's video.

Little Leah (No Small Thing)

Everyone, meet baby Leah. Isn't she beautiful?

Do you remember me telling you about my college friends who decided to make a difference and founded the Preemptive Love Coalition? Well, Leah is a little friend of theirs. Leah is from Iraq, a place where "Saddam Hussein’s 281 chemical attacks and experiments on the Kurds of northern Iraq contribute to the high rate of life-threatening heart disease among children in the region today". (That's what the Preemptive Love Coalition found when they got all Erin Brockovich in Iraq.) Leah also has Down's Syndrome, which makes her a tough case and an otherwise low-on-the-list recipient of a surgery that can save her life.

Leah needs heart surgery. Soon.

So? you say. (Yawn.) Lots of people in lots of places needs lots of things. Don't bother me with this today.

But what if today's THE day you go from being ordinary to being a life saver?

Here's the deal. Over 3,000 people read this blog every day. As much as I try not to bombard you with ads, sponsors, frantic support requests, etc., I do have a favor: if you've ever read and enjoyed this blog... if My Messy, Thrilling Life has ever made you smile... or think... or sob... or crack up... or introduced you to a good book or site or adventure, would you consider helping? Kinda by way of saying thanks?

You'll be saving a life, after all. Leah's life. That's no small thing.

So. We need to come up with $3,000 to pay for Leah's heart surgery through the Preemptive Love Coalition. The surgery would be slated for July... and who knows. I may even head over there and introduce you to her myself. In the meantime...

Give $1. One dollar. You'll hardly miss it. And if all the folks who hang out here will do that, together we can give Leah a new heart - we can give this helpless baby girl a hope and a future.

Donate $1 by clicking below. It's handled by PayPal and is private, secure, and super easy. Also, feel free to check out my friends and their organization, Preemptive Love Coalition, by clicking here.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. -Brin

Just a note: donating via PayPal/ChipIn means you automatically get a pretty receipt for your records. If a write-off receipt for tax purposes is important to you, consider donating directly to Preemptive Love Coalition. Visit their site here and be sure and let them know it's for Leah. Thanks!

More on cast iron repair soon. For now I'm popping in to say howdy. Hope you're well and had a good hair day. And to all you fancy-pants folks who read your blogs through readers, I wanted to personally inform you that I updated my banner and added a nifty sidebar feature with a few of my favorite travel adventures.

Travel (vicariously) on.  -Brin

Rusty on My Cast Iron

It appears I'm rusty on my cast iron care as rust continues to mock me from deep inside this cast iron pot.  Please... can anyone out there help?

Last week, while scavaging around in a junk store, I found these two cast iron beauties. Four dollars each. Heavy as yours truly after her marriage ended. Problem? Rust. Rusty Rust Rusterson.

I've tried scraping it off. I've tried boiling it off. I've tried reseasoning these pots with oil in a hot oven. Still the rust persists. What's a girl to do?

Anyone with advice on how to cure my cast iron woes is encouraged to write, comment, or come over.

My sincerest thanks,

Brin

(Cast Iron Obsessed FarmGirl at Heart)

Cottage Dreams

Cusato Cottage KC 1200

Every day, most of the day, I dream about my cottage. This is the one I've chosen. This is the one I hope to build soon. Picture it, though, as a white cottage with a stone path. And picture it sitting in a field of wildflowers, not up on some hurricane-force foundation. Imagine it, too, with an ivy-covered chimney and a rocking chair on the porch that creaks as the wind blows through. Pretend you're peeking through the screen door and see wood floors swept clean. A pie just out of the oven. Candles flickering, Yes, you're almost there. That's almost it.

Creamed

 I got creamed over yesterday's post. You should see my email inbox. Whenever I write about God, questions come at me like ping-pong balls - fast and forceful and all over the place. I want to write another post, soon, explaining my faith... what I believe and why.

The Artist

I have loved you with an everlasting love;

I have drawn you with loving-kindness.

-Jeremiah 31:3

We get this idea in our heads... somewhere along the way... that God is powerfully snobby. Cold. Vengeful, even. That He keeps scores and settles them. That He's a watch dog, ever-vigilant and ready to attack. That He's a cranky old man, finding fault and calling us out. That He's a distant father, stingy with love, affection, forgiveness.

We couldn't be more wrong.

Mental Vacation

I'm working today but my mind isn't on it. Obviously. Outside the air is light. Clouds are puffy and lazy. Bees are buzzing about. Buds are swelling and dew is drying and I'm longing to hide in a leafy alcove and watch it all. And yawn. Maybe sleep. Definitely lose myself in a book. I think I need a mental vacation.

Holly Hill would be wonderful right about now...

Thank you all for the kind birthday wishes. I had a quiet, happy day, and hope that's telling of the sort of year I'll have, too. -Brin

If We Didn't Know How Old We Are

How old would you be

if you didn't know how old you are?

-Satchel Paige

If I didn't know how old I was turning tomorrow... (thirty-one years old, to be exact)... I would think I was twenty-four. Not sure why. But definitely twenty-four. My heart is stuck in that age.