Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Understanding that
heavy things can't fly,
she let go of what was weighing on her heart,
the things she could no more control than carry,

and she gave herself a chance,
a chance to reach into the unassuming blue,
to embrace the possibility of an open sky,
with an open heart.
She gave herself a chance to soar.
- Jodi Hills, An Imperfect Life

The Jeep goes tomorrow. I just took a drive in it, that dusty, crazy ride, and cried a bit. In the past three years I've put over 90,000 miles on it - my companion during endless headlights and highways. It's carried me from trips into adventures. But Jeep costs me over $700 a month, a price I can no more control than carry. Tomorrow it's gone.

This week has been littered with moments of culling. The power went Monday, prompting a frantic calling in of loans and I-owe-yous. It delayed cookie orders and deliveries, pushing my stomach into knots. I got it turned back on with $4 to spare. That's about the time my sewing machine broke, delaying orders and apron and market tote designs. Thankfully my Mom drove into town with my old one, swapped the machines out, and took the clattering, spitting one away. Then I had only to deal with the DVD player, which, after the power was cut off, wouldn't turn back on. No big deal, except it had a Netflix DVD in it which I need to return so they don't charge me for another month. I tried to unscrew it, planning to ease the movie out, but was shaking so badly I couldn't coax out the screws. I ended up outside, banging the thing against concrete steps until it flew to pieces and gave up the disc. Then I just yelled. I yelled and yelled and yelled until I sunk into a heap of sobs.

God, I prayed, these heavy things that can't fly - come get them. Please take them. Take the things that are weighing so heavily on my heart, and then give me an open, eager heart to embrace the new... to embrace possibility.

Perhaps, just perhaps - as I let go of what I'm holding and stretch empty hands into the unassuming blue - I'm giving myself a chance to soar.

She gave herself a chance to soar. And really, is there anything better?

(By the way, I'm still overwhelmed with emails, and now Etsy conversations, as people as have tried that as a "faster" way through. I figured that if, somehow, I can get through 100 messages a day I can get caught up in a week. It's the getting-through-100-a-day that I can't quite manage right now. I appreciate everyone's continued patience as I make an effort to get back with you all.)


Randi~Dukes and Duchesses said...

Praying for you, that God will provide everything you need.

Donna said...

We love you. God loves you. Soar!

Becky Garrison said...

You are in my prayers!!! Becky G.

Sandi said...

Oh Brin...I love reading your SO puts everything into perspective for me. I am realizing so much lately that life is not about *things*.( although they are nice to have) You are so wise beyond your years and I know God has great things in store for you! (I am preaching to myself here too as uncertainty looms in our future as well)You spread those wings and soar...soar high and wide and breathe in all that God has for you!

Lady Laura said...

Oh, Brin how heartbroken you must be! Your last couple of posts have brought tears to my eyes.

I know it's crushing you, but so too, it is making you stronger. Please keep ol' Job in mind--he lost everything and was restored to TWICE what he had before.

Your blessed day is comming--just hold on!

Carly Winborne said...

my goodness. i am praying for you, my friend (that i've never met but feel like i know).

CottageBliss said...

Praying for you to my BIG God, King of Kings, Creator of the Universe.
Sending hugs of Hope and Comfort,

Unknown said...

Brin, you will soar soon, bless your heart! I can't imagine a $700 a month car loan, too scary for me!

Leigh Ann said...

Please add me to your email for the newsletter.
Just wanted to say I am so sorry you are going through this difficult time. From what you have written, you are doing all you know to do to generate income. You are giving it to God and doing all you know to do. Thank you for your example and for opening you heart to strangers.

In Him,
Leigh Ann

Sissy said...

Love you, Brin. Wishing you well and hoping that God will bless you in the coming minutes, hours, days and months.

Tammy said...

Brin, How is Millie doing? Haven't heard much about her lately.

MDiskin said...

I spent a week once with 26 cents in my pocket after being dumped by my abusive ex husband. I ate rice and frozen gumbo mix for a week! Moved to a new town with nothing but my dog and a TV and some clothes (and debt, sadly). Fast forward a few years and I met and married a wonderful, kind man, we have 2 kids and another one on the way, and I restarted a career and moved into writing as a way to stay home with the kiddies. God has blessed me over and over, and He'll do the same for you.

Remember the promise in Joel 2:25: "I will restore unto you the years the locusts have eaten."

It's the truth, Brin. You'll get through this, and you have many prayers heading your way.

scb said...

I just teared up about your JEEP and I don't even really know you! But I am thankful for what you write it lets me know we are not alone in our fears and worries. You will make it...I believe that. And, if I beliee that about you...I have to believe it about all of us under hards times. :) Thinking about you!

Jeannie said...

Thank you for bearing your heart to all of us. I have prayed earnestly for you. I want your dream to come true because it represents so many of our dreams. Waiting is just plain hard especially when everything is going wrong. God will come through. There will be a treasure at the end of the rainbow.
"...and the one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders." Deut 33:12. Rest.

Elenka said...

I am going to miss you so much. You were/are so inspirational, in so many ways. I pray that thing turn around for you very quickly, I really do.

Vee said...

You are one incredible gal and I so appreciate your willingness to share the nitty gritty. You've not been out of my prayers for days now. God is going to see you through this little mess and you will, indeed, soar.

Jenn said...

You are in my prayers. I can't imagine a $700/month car payment. God will see you through this though. He has blessed us with a new, old car when things have been looking awful, so I know he will bless you. Keep the faith, keep smiling and soar.

Tara said...

Will be praying for your burdens to become lighter!

Rebecca said...

Brin, the verse from Job the poster above gave you is exactly what came to my mind too. Be strong. There is a purpose for all that is happening to you, and God will work it for your good. He will take you from a lump of coal to gold, but refined by fire...and often that can be painful. Perhaps this is the time of your refining. Know that you are loved by your fellow bloggers.

Brenda@CoffeeTeaBooks said...

I remember one particular season in my life that I had to remind myself to breath. There was so much hurt with one thing happening after another (including giving up our dream home) that life had to be taken one moment at a time.

People say take one day at a time but when the pain is too great, only one moment will do.

As I look back now, I realize God had me in the furnace, purifying me of all the extra and excess until He could be #1.

What I thought was Hell on Earth was actually buffing me up and helping me be more Heavenly. It sure hurt at the time, though.

He does restore all that the locusts consume, at least that which He allows back in our life that is of value. Those things He doesn't restore... never gave value in the first place.