Sunday, October 15, 2006


If I was a true optimist, I would call it an "adventure".

If I was a poet, I'd call it my Wanderjahr... my time spent wandering or traveling itinerantly.

But today I'm not an optimist. Today I'm not a poet. So I'll call it like I see it: today, I am - lost.

This past week, I woke to find myself in a place I never thought I'd be. I've stumbled onto a road I never thought I'd find myself traveling. But my denial... my bewilderment... my disappointment... none of it changes the reality of my circumstances. I am lost. I am in the midst of an unpoetic, unwelcome wanderjahr.

And I'm not graceful enough - not polished enough - to deny it. There's so much pressure as a modern, educated individual... as a modern, educated Christian - to maintain the facade of a perfectly-blessed life. To maintain the ideal of a graceful existence and divinely-led walk - even when your life is seemingly in shambles and your very core is shaken. And sometimes, even when acknowledging that you are blessed... abundantly blessed... and you do live grace-filled existence, you just want to cry out: yes, but I hurt too! I struggle too! I wonder... and wander.. too!

And I am. I do.

I won't speak for all modern, education Christians out there. I wouldn't dare. But I will speak for myself: life isn't perfect. My life sure isn't. Even as a Christian, life is hard. I hurt. I struggle. I wonder. I wander.

Some days, I wake to find myself in my own personal wanderjahr. Is my life divinely led? Yes, maybe. Is it divinely accompanied? Yes, assuredly. But you see, my comfort for today and my strength for tomorrow hinges on one ever-present, never-changing fact: that my itinerant travels - like those of the early nation of Israel - are never time spent alone.

I snapped this picture one day when I found myself starting out on a new chapter of my life. I liked the way the heavens nearly broke open above the barren landscape... above that desolate road. It reminded me... and reminds me to this day... about God's promise to Joshua. About God's promise to me. The promise that says that no matter the struggle... no matter the hurt... no matter the feeling of being... lost... no matter where my unwelcome wanderjahr leads ... I am divinely accompanied.

We wanderjahrers (!) are divinely accompanied.

I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you. -Hebrews 13:5


Anonymous said...

I hope in your wanderings that you find what you are looking for. I noticed your wedding entry is gone. what happened?

Anonymous said...

Hi Brin...great thoughts. I think lots of people wear masks to try "deceiving" other people into believing certain things about then. It so good that you can be open and honest about what's going on because it shows your a human- a human dependent on a much bigger God!

I feel like I've been wandering too lately. Trying to find myself once again in a big world.

I am so glad God's promises are true!