Monday, June 4, 2018

Spinning and Telling, Part One

You mustn't live so lightly.
Spin your stories, tale your tales,
Let them dance across the oceans
And set the wind upon your sails.
For every truth found on your travels
And in the pits of your despair,
Is a shout into forever
Of "I existed", and "I cared".
- Erin Hanson / The Poet Underground

I've been living lightly these past months (turned year). Sometimes sleeping, sometimes not. Sometimes eating, sometimes not. Sometimes feeling free, then later that day: captive. I've blinked. I've cried. I've wandered. I've been paralyzed. I've sat at the edge of the dancing ocean, tentative, and then I've plunged in so deep I didn't know if I'd make it out. But through it all, I've kept breathing. I exist, after all. And I care.

This absence, friend, is simply explained like this: I married a textbook cerebral narcissist, and the week of Christmas in 2017, he (blessedly, overwhelmingly, tragically, thankfully) filed for divorce, changed the locks to my beloved house, and left me on the porch with... almost nothing. And it was impossible - I'm telling you, it was impossible - to narrate someone through that story when I couldn't even read the lines myself. 

But I'm better now. I am better now. And the pages of these past years are telling tales now. And lately, I feel a wind upon my sails whispering me back to all the familiar and beloved places. Including here. Especially here.

Welcome back, dear one. I'm glad to see you again. Let's talk and I'll catch you up. -Brin


debbie said...

Omg is all I can say ,I've missed you tremendously.welcome back to those who really love you

Melodee said...

Well. I have followed your blog since Freeman House and actually wondered about you just the other day because I realized you hadn't come up in my feed for a very long time. I am so sorry to hear life has thrown you a curve ball but also happy to see you pop up again.

Robin said...

Dear Brin you are the second blog writer who is in the trenches of a narcissist and divorce I have learned, having been a reader for years on both said blogs. Hold up your beautiful face and march on with dignity and the love of our Lord to guide you each step. I even ordered more dish cloths from your Etsy shop tonight to help you gain. Keep the faith and know you are loved! I look forward to you posting again, welcome back!

Michelle said...

I have followed you for a very long time, and I am so glad to see a post from you. I've missed you!

Susan said...

My heart aches for you as I read your words. My own marriage to a narcissist lasted 30 years. God is so creative, but sin is so banal...all its stories fit the same pattern. A verse that helped me so much was Psalm 57:1...”Be gracious to me, O God...for my soul takes refuge in Thee; and in the shadow of Thy wings I will take refuge...until destruction passes by.” Hang onto the promise that it will pass by eventually! Immerse yourself in the Word. Pick up the threads of your female friendships. Worship with God’s people a lot. You are wise to share your story! Praying for you.

Jeannie S said...

Oh Brin....keeping you in my prayers and He will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten...Joel 2:25. I'm counting on this promise for both of us and every woman in any difficult marriage. Thank you for sharing, you are a beautiful, strong woman of God.
...and the one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders. Deut 33:12 May you find rest.

Joyce Fodor said...

I have missed you. So glad you're back. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. ~ Psalm 147:3

Susan Hajek said...

So sorry to hear of your heartache, but glad that you posted. I have missed you as well. Through the years we have seen your strength and this too shall pass. Take comfort in knowing that our loving Father will hold you up when you need it.