Sunday, November 1, 2009

Keep your eyes open to your mercies.
The man who forgets to be thankful
has fallen asleep in life.
-Robert Louis Stevenson


This morning my eyes blinked open and I found myself wishing for henrybella's. A homemade muffin and hot coffee sounded good. I rolled over and pulled the covers up and made a blanket tent over me.

I've been in such a funk lately. The dust has settled and I've realized: I've been angry. Angrier than angry. I miss waking up in Freeman House, letting Millie out to play, and walking to the bakery.

I miss opening the doors... putting the coffee on... heating the oven... writing the day's menu. (Gosh, a Downtown Turkey Sandwich and Butterscotch Brownie Fridae sounds good.)

Or whatever. It all sounds good.

I miss the people, too. Old friends and new popping in. Such a happy time. I imagine book shops and sweet shops must be among the happiest places to be. Mine was, I'll tell you that. Henrybella's was a great place. I miss it today.

But I also realize that if I'm not thankful - or worse, if I'm angry over loss - I'm shutting my eyes to mercies. I'm bedding down in a tent and falling asleep in life, a life that holds new mercies every morning.

Today I remember. Today I may cry. But today I will breathe a prayer of thanks that I had any of it at all. What mercies! What joys! And what could today possibly hold?

Maybe it will hold a muffin. And some hot coffee. That really does sound good.

28 comments:

kali said...

It is so hard to be thankful during sad and hard times. I remember confiding in my mom about situations and her telling me to thank God. Thank God? That was the last thing I felt like doing...

You will find your place again.

kali

Karen Deborah said...

You have been through a lot Brin, and there is no side steeping grief. You have the solution too. Make muffins, great coffee and give thanks. You have time for more dreams. To be old and sick at such a time would be a real defeat. You are healthy, strong, robust even, creative, energetic, resourceful, you have old fashioned American ingenuity; and a fan club that cheers you on.
Well? Still sad?
Yeah OK, but I saw a little smile.

LDH said...

Your blog and your story has moved me. I have followed your posts and felt many of your emotions. Maybe one day I'll have the courage to tell you about where God is leading us. Praying for you often.
Kindly, ldh

Sissy said...

We had a great sermon this morning about how the Lord hears our cries, and it was such water to my soul. It has been a tough year for so many, and you count among them. I pray that your soul will be lightened today.

My Life Is This said...

Brin, you are at a crossroads right now. The old is still so painful, and the new, well the new hasn't really begun. You have to mourn the old to get past it. It takes time. Yes, we must be thankful as well, but that doesn't mean the tears for the old are shut off. Make a plan for your free days. You must plan one fun event, even if it just a walk somewhere you like, or someplace that makes you feel better. Being happy again after a major disappointment takes time. Give in to your sadness, but just for a bit, and then go do something happy. It's hard, I know, I've been there. Hugs to you - and get out of bed....

Adrienne said...

Oh, Brin, my heart felt the loss and grief in your words and I wanted to tell you it's just a dream. But sometimes our dreams die and we think they won't ever 'rise' again and then one day they come in a different form and we find that we're stronger - and well again - and our dreams have taken new wings and can fly higher than ever before! Hang on to the Lord, my friend, and let your heart grieve. You must grieve so you can heal and then some day HenryBella's will be a sweet memory and Freeman House and all the hopes and dreams you had will have some sweet part of whatever you do again. I know because I've been there. Different circumstances but the dream was gone - as well as the home and the calling I thought we would have until we left this earth. Now I'm whole again and doing exactly what God prepared me for through all of that!

Until that time comes for you, grieve, cry - and eat a good muffin, have a good cup of coffee and do something fun with Millie.
~Adrienne~

Life At Camellia Cottage said...

Oh, it sounds like Brin is finding her way back. Anger, sadness, depression - they are all normal parts of life, and of grieving. You have been grieving, sweetie, and that's okay. And acknowledging it and accepting it and facing it for what it is, will help so very much! Becky

Brambleberry said...

I hope your muffin and coffee taste like hope.

Lori said...

Oh Bree ~ my heart is breaking for you. I can only imagine how hard all this change has been for you. They say change is good but it does take time to come to that part of the change... hugs to you.

I love your new banner!

LLJ said...

I miss those things too and it was just through your blogging pages that I got to experience them. I am sad with you that things are so difficult right now. A thankful heart is sure to bless you though and give you much hope for the next minute, hour, and day until your heart is overflowing. That is my prayer for you.
Leanne

Sue@CountryPleasures said...

To have dreamed and done is better than hoping and not doing! You are so right to be thankful, God only helps those who help themselves. You will be ok, maybe after a muffin and coffee. Hugs!

scot7 said...

I SO WISH YOU COULD HAVE KEPT FREEMAN HOUSE AND THE BAKE SHOP,I WAS DREAMING OF COMING TO FREEMAN HOUSE AT CHRISTMAS TIME AND ENJOYING IT ALL!DEAR BRIN WE MISS ALL OF IT WITH YOU! I KNOW THIS HAS TO BE SO HARD!SURELY IT WILL ALL BE BETTER BY AND BY!YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS.

Carolyn (Harbor Hon) said...

That's what the calendar on my blog shows. Morning By Morning New Mercies I See. Yes, my darling girl, new mercies are there for you everyday. Memories are too. What would we do without them? You have the time to make new things happen everyday. Bright, fun, fantastic things. Your talents are many and you will find your one true calling someday. Go with the flow until then and breathe. xxoo

Heidi said...

I hear you. Sometimes this world seems so overwhelming to me I just want to cry out, ok! I give!! Not too long ago a good friend told me to set aside some alone time every morning to talk with God and say "God, please direct my thinking" and then just listen to what he has to say. I write down whatever comes to my mind and then I read my words, looking to see the things that are pure and honest knowing that they come from God, or the things that aren't, knowing they come from my own will. That helps me to sort out what thinking is good and what thinking needs to go. She also told me to say a prayer every night to God thanking him for my day and listing the things that I did that were good, and the good things that happened to me, as well as the things I needed to repent of and give to God so they didn't weigh me down and cause me to be of no use to others. A sad, self absorbed Heidi is good to no one at all. Just doing those actions has helped me cope with the day to day and helped me to see that God does have a purpose with my life and he wants me to be spiritually fit so he can use me to help others. Helping others seems to be the only way I can get out of my own problems and it really makes me part of the solution, knowing that my actions can help another in a positive way. You have helped me with your blog as I'm sure you've helped countless others. I hope that it helps that others like me see what a great contribution you have made to this "messy, thrilling life".

vintage girl at heart said...

Yes... what Brambleberry said..........

Kim said...

My heart goes out to you Brin. I understand where you're coming from. It is so desperately hard to be thankful when you feel like nothing is going the way you planned. That's just it -- our plans are not God's plans. I tell my hubby all the time don't make a plan you'll just make God laugh! I think all of us are in truly uncertain of our futures, of where or what it is we should be doing. Take heart his mercy does abound and he knows each and every need long before we do. Hang in there God has something wonderful in store.

TBS said...

What happened to Henrybellas, I mean the physical shop? Did someone take it over, or is it just sitting empty now? Such a shame for your little town, and also for the woman who owns the building, she sounded really great. I bet she misses getting some of her rent paid in muffins!!

No wonder you're angry, but anger is also a great fuel for getting things done and I'm glad you're only occasionally under the duvet. You're doing something with your life, making lemonade of all the lemons that have been thrown at you, and in that way you're a great role model to all of us who enjoy your writing.

Tine, DK

Kimberly said...

Remember last spring when you so inpired one woman to drive from New York to Texas with a two year old and two teenagers? Don't ever, ever forget the gifts inside of you and the power you have to inspire others. Great things are in store for you, this is just part of the journey. Trust it. Be angry. Feel sad. Really sad. We have a range of emotions for a reason but above all trust that you are being prepared for something even greater. God can never reveal everything at once and so we trust.
Sending love and wondering where we will both be as we TRULY enter our next decade on April 8, 2010.
XO
Kimberly

Tara said...

I think of your place often.

I am sure there is still a sadness down deep for your great loss, BUT know that God has great things in store for you. That was just a season.

Be sad, but remember to also Be Glad. Some coffee and muffins do sound Yummy!

Hugs. Tara

Lisa said...

Hugs...

betty r said...

"New mercies every morning..joy comes in the morning"..hold on to that!
And giving thanks even when you least feel like it. God never lets us down..He has a plan!

Patsy said...

I was not fortunate enought to have visited henrybella's but I miss it too.

fairmaiden said...

It is a dreamy place, your Henrybella's...like straight out of a movie. It is important to grieve and it is important to remain where He has you. He will pick you up in His good time. I have understood His heart more deeply in those times of laying on the ground in a puddle of tears. His intimacy was so worth the pain. For we do come to know Him in the fellowship of His suffering. His light shines in the darkness and the darkness cannot comprehend it...even the darkness is light to Him. He is with you, He is loving you, and He is revealing His heart to you. You will understand mercy, compassion, kindness more than you ever did before. He is making you so beautiful Brin.

patientmom said...

Thank you for being "human"...we miss Henrybella's too, at least the part of it that was our joy to share...your excitement, your vision, your pure delight of it all...but the wonderful part of all of what we miss the most, is that you still have all of that "wonderful" inside of you.

Keep dreaming your wonderful dreams,and keep reaching for those stars, you are hitting far more than you are missing.

You have pulled up very strong! Keep reaching :) we are so proud of you!

Antonella said...

this year's been really hard for you.
many many hugs to you and Millie.

Jillie said...

Oh ... Henrybella's looks so inviting and beautiful. I could see myself sitting for a nice long spell with all the wonderful smells and tastes, relaxing with a book and taking it all in. Would be the best therapy in the world. No wonder you are sad and angry. Go ahead and cry. But know this. Something you built with all that talent and love, well that will never die. Keep it dear to you and promise yourself that Henrybella's will one day be again.

Patty's Stitches said...

I wish I had been one of the lucky ones that got to visit henrybella's. I sure looks like my kind of place. God is so good, things will get better.
Blessings,
Patty

Sparkz said...

The pictures are beautiful and look like great memories.

God's plans are better than ours. The wait for our son was HARD I don't have the words to explain how hard)but we were blessed richly. Being patient and having faith is the hardest. Still, it is amazing the beauty that comes out of the hard times and when you look back you know it was all worth it.