Monday, June 4, 2018

Spinning and Telling, Part One

You mustn't live so lightly.
Spin your stories, tale your tales,
Let them dance across the oceans
And set the wind upon your sails.
For every truth found on your travels
And in the pits of your despair,
Is a shout into forever
Of "I existed", and "I cared".
- Erin Hanson / The Poet Underground

I've been living lightly these past months (turned year). Sometimes sleeping, sometimes not. Sometimes eating, sometimes not. Sometimes feeling free, then later that day: captive. I've blinked. I've cried. I've wandered. I've been paralyzed. I've sat at the edge of the dancing ocean, tentative, and then I've plunged in so deep I didn't know if I'd make it out. But through it all, I've kept breathing. I exist, after all. And I care.

This absence, friend, is simply explained like this: I married a textbook cerebral narcissist, and the week of Christmas in 2017, he (blessedly, overwhelmingly, tragically, thankfully) filed for divorce, changed the locks to my beloved house, and left me on the porch with... almost nothing. And it was impossible - I'm telling you, it was impossible - to narrate someone through that story when I couldn't even read the lines myself. 

But I'm better now. I am better now. And the pages of these past years are telling tales now. And lately, I feel a wind upon my sails whispering me back to all the familiar and beloved places. Including here. Especially here.

Welcome back, dear one. I'm glad to see you again. Let's talk and I'll catch you up. -Brin

24 comments:

debbie said...

Omg is all I can say ,I've missed you tremendously.welcome back to those who really love you

Melodee said...

Well. I have followed your blog since Freeman House and actually wondered about you just the other day because I realized you hadn't come up in my feed for a very long time. I am so sorry to hear life has thrown you a curve ball but also happy to see you pop up again.

Robin said...

Dear Brin you are the second blog writer who is in the trenches of a narcissist and divorce I have learned, having been a reader for years on both said blogs. Hold up your beautiful face and march on with dignity and the love of our Lord to guide you each step. I even ordered more dish cloths from your Etsy shop tonight to help you gain. Keep the faith and know you are loved! I look forward to you posting again, welcome back!

Michelle said...

I have followed you for a very long time, and I am so glad to see a post from you. I've missed you!

Susan said...

My heart aches for you as I read your words. My own marriage to a narcissist lasted 30 years. God is so creative, but sin is so banal...all its stories fit the same pattern. A verse that helped me so much was Psalm 57:1...”Be gracious to me, O God...for my soul takes refuge in Thee; and in the shadow of Thy wings I will take refuge...until destruction passes by.” Hang onto the promise that it will pass by eventually! Immerse yourself in the Word. Pick up the threads of your female friendships. Worship with God’s people a lot. You are wise to share your story! Praying for you.

Jeannie S said...

Oh Brin....keeping you in my prayers and He will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten...Joel 2:25. I'm counting on this promise for both of us and every woman in any difficult marriage. Thank you for sharing, you are a beautiful, strong woman of God.
...and the one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders. Deut 33:12 May you find rest.


Joyce Fodor said...

I have missed you. So glad you're back. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. ~ Psalm 147:3

Susan Hajek said...

Brin,
So sorry to hear of your heartache, but glad that you posted. I have missed you as well. Through the years we have seen your strength and this too shall pass. Take comfort in knowing that our loving Father will hold you up when you need it.

Melanie Lovell said...

It's good to see you, Brin. Through the heartache and loss, there is a plan. You've come through so much since you first started this blog, and it's given you strength and resilience (and you haven't just come through, you've come through beautifully.) Know there is safety here, in this place, this little corner of the internet that you've made your own and where you have garnered so many readers who want for you the happiness you deserve. Keep your chin up. <3

Linda Thompson said...

So sorry to hear... but so thankful you're back. You have been missed. Let this place be a soft place to land and be loved.

MaryO said...

Brin,
I thought your absence might be due to some marriage problem. I'm so, so sorry to hear it!

My sister had her husband of 16 years (and two adopted kids) come home and say, "I don't love you anymore!" Nice. Fast forward 40+ years; while it's been a very hard road she persisted and, I believe, him leaving was the BEST thing that ever happened to her.

Prayers to you and yours. I know your faith with sustain you and I hope you still have your furbabies to support you. Good to have you back.

Luv,
MaryO1230

Mabel Jane's said...

Bless your heart! Praying Psalm 147:3 for you.

Dorothy Langlois said...

Oh Brin there are no words but I too am so thrilled that you have returned to a place where you truly shine!

Laura said...

Dear Brin-

There is an expression in our family that my father used often-
"keep a tight rein".

This isn't meant to imply that we always stay in control when hard things hit, but rather that we stay on.

I see you as an old soul (high praise) and old souls are usually found in the best people.

You are doing it.

Laura




daphna said...

Praying for strength and comfort. So glad you are back.

Betty said...

Oh Brin, what can I say but so sorry. I'm praying for you and welcome back to the blogging world. I missed you.

angie said...

oh my gosh! I am so sorry you had/have to experience that! I, too, am a long-time reader from the Freeman House days and I check in here every few months to see if you have posted. I am the reader who found a Texas Trivia board game in a thrift store and sent it to you many years ago... I wish you peace and happiness and hope to hear more from you about what you are doing these days.

Kacie said...

I'm half happy to see you back here and also terribly sad for this heartbreak in your life. I've been keeping up on your Instagram account but still faithfully checking here every now and then, hoping for an entry. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You deserve so much better. I know we all had high hopes that this was the "One" who was going to love you and be good to you through all of life's storms. But what the devil intends for bad, God will use for good. Take the lessons and the experience, keep your head up and stay the strong, brave, intelligent woman we all love. And (selfish request)...come back to blogging and bless us with your writing more often. :-) ❤

Anonymous said...

Brin, I have missed you so very much. I am in the very deep painful waters of marital disaster myself and I can relate in incredible ways. So thankful for the nights of peaceful sleep when they come although few and far between. I miss your words and your soul and your thoughts here. You always brought a healing and a soothing to me. Take good care of your beautiful self. xo

Gloria said...

So sorry to hear what happened but so glad God freed you from this marriage that does not honored Him. Keep seeking Him and He will guide your path.

Terri Steffes said...

Good morning Brin! I woke up with your name on my heart. Part of my morning routine is to sit quietly upon waking to see what God needs me to do! I so want to visit your farm one day! I follow the work on Instagram and I love your feed. Hugs and prayers as you navigate this new adventure in your life. I’ll be checking in often!

Anonymous said...

Praising our Savior you are safe and loved, for the courage and perseverance He has given you, asking Him to keep healing your heart & soul.
I unknowingly married a high achieving narcissist too who hailed from an entire family of narcissists. . . they wanted to obliterate me and my offspring. I am still married, and I don't recommend this scenario for anyone. I found the courage to cut off my in-laws, speak my voice, and make life very uncomfortable for my spouse by letting him know I would use the community to hold him accountable if necessary. His greatest fear is that the people in our community would find out his failings and abuse. I have never known such a capable coward in my entire life. I am learning to lead after years of being convinced I was a nobody deserving nothing. . .

rachel said...

Oh, Brin! You're back, you're back. I wish it was with happier news but I am so thrilled to see you post again. Yours is the blog I returned to every few months, wishing and hoping for a new post, and then scrolling your archives which are still such a blessing. I am glad you are back. So glad.
As for the rest, you are in my prayers, and we are all still here. Please, keep writing. We do this life together.

((I have a new google account so if I look like a brand newbie I'm not...I've been reading your blog for mumble-some lots of years...it's good to see you again))

Rebecca said...

I've been lingering around here for a long long time, Brin, You are a strong, resilient, beautiful woman, and you will overcome this too. Much love, and prayers from Georgia. P.S. I'm so glad you're back. I've missed your writing.