What Warwick Wishes We Women Were...

Omygosh. Kill me now.

Did you see it? Surely you did. BBC Network (Buncha-Bull-Crap Network, as I always call it) is reporting on this new study that finds that being single puts you "at greater risk of dying than smokers". No kidding. If you feel like a good beating, check it out for yourself: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/2195609.stm.

Now I'm not saying that these "researchers" at the University of Warwick are vindictive cracksmokers, but then again - I think these "researchers" at the University of Warwick are vindictive cracksmokers. In fact, I will go so far as to speculate that this study was probably authored by some dumpy, mean, issue-riddled married gal who wanted to poke a passive-aggressive finger at a beautiful, accomplished single friend. A single friend who didn't have to be home by 6 p.m. to Shake-'n-Bake, fold stained underwear, and check the mail before he saw the credit card statement.

So, to all you (jealous, insecure, etc.) members of academe out there, how do you like these apples?:

TOP FIVE REASONS WHY IT'S DANG GOOD TO BE SINGLE:

1. You don't have to check in with/answer to anyone. You want to go Vegas on Friday? Fine. Spend all weekend out shopping? (Or in your pajamas, or watching Bridget Jones' Diary?) Great. Blow an entire paycheck on Nutter Butters? Even better.

2. You can stock the fridge with what you want. Yogurt, pudding cups, bottled water, Starbucks shots. No one touches it and no one gripes. Or, you simply don't have to stock the fridge at all.

3. If you're ecstatic, depressed, or mad at the world, you can be. No one analyzes your feelings or demands explanations, talks, etc.

4. No more Monster Garage, endless man TV, or lame Woody Allen movies.

5. You can be wickedly satisfied with who you are right then - not who he's expecting you to be.

So take that, University of Warwick. I personally know several miserable, unhealthy married women. And they're stuck. (Or think they are.) And I also know several happy, busy, single gals who are in perfect health, thank you VERY much.

Point is, your situation - married, single, or otherwise fabulous - is what you make of it.

I hope these folks at the University of Warwick aren't planning on graduating anytime soon.